Clear As Mud

January has been interesting so far. And when I say interesting, I mean absolute chaos as far as my health situation goes. The pain, muscle spasms, ROM & strength problems continue unchanged. After my Ortho appointment on 12/12, after we talked about my shoulder situation, he put PT on the back burner due to lack of progress, and spoke to me about chronic pain management, I felt I had a pretty clear picture of his prognosis for my shoulder. He sounded very resigned to limited use & was moving on to dealing with this pain. While, this was upsetting, it wasn’t surprising at all. I live with this every day. 

So, when I started getting letters from my LTD company regarding unreturned update paperwork, I assumed something had just slipped through the cracks. But after numerous phone calls to Medicopy, the problem was that the Drs last note concerning my work status was “Return to work as able.” Obviously, that’s a bit too vague. Who decides when I’m able if he doesn’t. So, right before Christmas I started trying to reach his office to be more specific. About 2 weeks later his tech lets me know that a note was put in on 1/9 stating “Return to work no restrictions.” My first response was, maybe he had me confused with someone else? I mean, it was almost a month after my appointment when he put that note in. I explained to her my continuing problems & my inability to use my right arm on a consistent basis. She called back the next day. The note was changed to say “Return to deskwork, one armed. No pushing, pulling or lifting.”

And, that is clear as mud, right? One armed desk work? In what world is that feasible? Certainly not in insurance where every task is Hurry Up! Unfortunately, the LTD company will probably use that as a reason to stop benefits. I’m still waiting for that letter. 

Of course, my health insurance for 2017 is changing as well. Low premium, deductibles & copays are back. 

Then there’s the disability insurance that’s been taking care of my car payment…I’d say his note is also going to put a stop to that.

Basically, I’m looking at losing my pay & increasing my monthly bills. It’s infuriating when every single bit of this is out of my control. 

I drove to Lexington yesterday for my Pain Management appointment & was told I’d have to reschedule due to a computer mixup. I don’t even want pain management, but it seems to be something I have to consider. 

Honestly, I had a mini breakdown yesterday. It’s just all too much. It’s been months of being treated like a nonperson. Being categorized by people who have no idea what my days & nights are like. I must be faking, exaggerating, working the system. 

Before this accident, I was a hard working, reliable, independent person. It has never been a goal of mine to depend on government assistance. For over 20 years I’ve worked & climbed corporate ladders. Took the tests & made something of myself. I was a single mother with a good job, a good house & a good life. Now….well now I feel a bit like a sucker stick, after the sucker has been eaten. All the good parts are gone & what’s left is chewed up & isn’t much use to anyone. 

I’m tired. I want my life back.